Guess some sound advice would be nice...

[xXuglywolfXx]

To make a very long story short, my father is going through his second divorce. Through the midst of this issue, he's revealed that not only is he currently involved with at least one other woman other than his wife, he's told me that there's been many more in his 10 year marriage.
I've let him know how disappointed I was in him (he ended his first marriage and the relationship with my mother with affairs as well). I figured since he's pushing 50 now he'd calm down from that kind of lifestyle. I was obviously wrong.
Problem is, I'm feeling mixed emotions. I feel betrayed by him; he's always been a great father, and I looked up to him. I'm of course angry because now he's making it nearly impossible for me to have a relationship with my step mother and step sister, both of which I love as dearly as I would any family member. And I'm scared, because I think at least a small part of myself hates him for this...

I'm not trying to air dirty laundry with you guys, or asking some kind of spell to make myself feel better. The only people I can talk to about this are my husband and his in-laws, and all they keep telling me is to stay out of it, that I can't handle the extra stress, and that my father's mistakes are his own and I shouldn't be concerned. But I can't just switch it off like that....

I just want to have some kind of an idea if the array of emotions I'm feeling are even right...and why my father would do this in the first place...

Please, any insight would be appreciated...again, I'm sorry for bringing something like this to this forum; I just really don't know where else to turn...

[ThunderWolf]

I just want to preface this by acknowledging this is a tricky situation and although I'm giving advice, it's how I would try to deal with it and not necessarily the way you would or should do it.

However, I tend to think your in-laws are right about staying out of it. You don't have to like your father sleeping around on the people he's been married to, but if you love your father you should be supporting him through this.

That's not to say you should take sides. You can be there for him without necessarily getting involved in the situation itself.

I understand, too, that by him bringing his second wife into the family that there has been a relationship between you and her daughter. And maybe with some time you can manage to pick your relationships back up with them. But it's important to remember that he's the one whose relationship with this woman is and always has been the main tie that binds so to speak. That relationship is not about you. It's about them.

As for not understanding why he has this pattern of cheating, I can't imagine why someone would do that myself. But if you can bring it up to him without being angry and placing blame you might consider just flat out asking him why he does that. Let him know that you're just trying to understand why he does this from his point of view so you can be there to support him in a way you couldn't if you haven't had that discussion.

December 22nd my own parents will have been married for 50 years, so I obviously don't have personal experience with step family and such as is involved with this situation. So take what I've said with a grain of salt. I just thought I'd throw it out there for your consideration.

[FireSong]

I'm sorry to hear that.  It really is a shame when people are so thoughtless and selfish.  

As far as your father is concerned, I don't think it's wrong for you to be angry.  I would be.  It will probably take some time to get through that too, but you shouldn't really get involved in the situation itself.  You've told your father you're disappointed and while you love him you don't love the action and what have you, so that should be that, were one to ask me.

You can make it clear to your stepmother and stepsister that you truly care for them, and want to maintain the relationship.  I don't believe it has to end with your father's mistakes.

To add: Thunderwolf said it better.  XD

[Ken Ra]

My brother divorced his first wife. She is still a friend of my mother and on decent terms with me.  Dissolving the in-law relationship does not mean that there can be NO relationship. Just that you do not betray one to the other. And if they are that much of a jerk you will find it out for yourself.

[TheMagickSprite]

If he was a good father to you, but (obviously) a bad husband to his wives, I do not think you should berate him for it.  It is for them (and him) to do.  Judge him on the father he was and is to you, not the husband he was (IMO it is his ex-wives that have that burden).

One can be a great father, but a terrible husband.

Just my .02.

BB Sprite

[Seeking Answers]

Wow, I felt like I was reading my own biography here.  My father is the same way.  I have been where you are and I have a psychology degree.  So I can tell you with absolute certainty that yes, it's perfectly normal to be angry.  But he's your father and you love him (the very fact that being so angry bothers you proves that) and loving someone means accepting them for all their faults.  That doesn't mean you have to nod your head to everything he says, but it does mean that you have to respect his decisions even if they suck.  

I maintain a relationship with my dad even though he continues to disappoint me now and then.  He left my mother when I was a child for another woman (though we found out there had been several other women).  He and I slowly got close again and that particular stepmother and I ended up becoming close over time.  Then she developed an alcohol problem and he left her.  She drank herself to death.  It was very sad.  After that we started bonding again over our grief.  Then he met a new woman and I was once again pushed aside.  His new wife and I hate each other, but it's all fake smiles and pretending past arguments never happened.  I tolerate her purely out of respect and love for him.  It's a never-ending cycle, but nobody's perfect and in the end blood is thicker than water.  

As for your stepmother and stepsister, I would suggest you talk to them privately and let them know that you would like to continue a relationship with them.  Your father's actions do not dictate who you can and cannot have in your life.  Things might be strange for a while, but once the drama calms down everything will be easier.  Just try not to get caught in the crossfires.  If need be, you can simply refuse to add fuel to the fire on any sensitive subjects and try to carry on as normal of a relationship with everyone as possible.  The worst thing you can do in this situation is take sides and you do not have to let anyone pressure you into doing that.  You don't want to start "he said" "she said" drama.  If either side can't respect that, then simply back away and give things time to cool down.  If the situation is overwhelming for either side and they keep trying to get help from you, then suggest they see a therapist or talk to someone else who is removed from the situation.  The same goes for you.  If you feel too overwhelmed, therapy is never a bad idea.

I wish you luck with all of this.  I know it can be confusing, infuriating, and overwhelming.  I've been there more times than I can count and I know I haven't seen the last of it.  Take care.

[xXuglywolfXx]

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to help. You have no idea how much it means to mean....for the past month or so since all of this happened, I haven't really slept or eaten, been crying more that I have probably in years, and, as much as I hate to say it, have been turning to alcohol more and more.

Yes, I love my father; even though he's made poor, if not completely idiotic, choices, and may not be as great as a role model as I thought he was, I do still love him...
But, this new women...he wants me to like her, accept her into my life, and can't accept the fact that I'm just not willing to. We actually got into an argument about it because I told him that if he gave her my address, he and I would have serious issues (I'm currently living with my in-laws and I don't think it's right to even risk a chance of getting them involved).
I think I hate this woman, which isn't like me. I've been harshly betrayed by close friends and never felt something so negative. My husband says it's okay to hate her, that it's a healthy emotion...but...I never felt this before, to be honest. I honestly don't think I would feel bad if something horrible happened to her, or if I fulfilled a metal fantasy and kicked her teeth in...

Sorry for the rant, guys. I just...I feel like I've lost my father, the one true only role model I've ever had...and, even though I've told my step family that I still care for them, and hope that, when all of this is over, they will still consider me family. But I don't think they can even trust me...they had to get new numbers because my father turned their cells off, and they refused to give me their numbers; they just said if they called, it would come up as 'restricted number.'
My aunt used to say to always try your best to find the silver lighting...the only thing right now that my father has shown me is how NOT to treat my marriage.
But, again, I didn't mean to rant. I just wanted to say thank you, and let you all know how much it's meant, and helped me, that you all took the time out of your lives to help. I really mean it, thank you...

[SnowAngel]

I would try to hang in there with your step mom and sister.  I'm sure they are very hurt right now and probably equate you with him.  Time should be able to separate two in their heads.

My first husband and I got divorced because he left me for someone else.  It took a couple of years, but I am good friends with his sisters now.  He got remarried, and although her and I don't get along, I get along GREAT with her mom  ... so you never know where you will find a friendship.  Just because it seems odd, doesn't mean it can't happen.  Heck, I even get along with my ex pretty good now.

Good luck hon!

Brightest Blessings
SnowAngel