advice?

[malewitch42]

There is a guy at work who is making a buch of homophobic comments even though he doesn't know I'm bisexual it has gotten pretty bad ... he started calling me bj instead of my name j.d. another guy at work calls me that but he knows I'm bi and isn't intending to be insulting and is just having fun ... the guy that knows isn't bothing me because we have and understanding ...he makes gay jokes but he doesn't intend to hurt me and it doenst, but the other guy is trying to be insulting I'm not. Sure what to do should I tell him I'm bi and it bothers me and risk it getting worse and be forced to file harrassment charges or continue to try and ignore it .... a lot of my friends who know make gay jokes but if the intention is not bad it actually is even funny to me but when the intent is malicious I don't know what to do

[ThunderWolf]

I wish I knew what to tell you, but not only has it been 20 years since I've worked, but a lot has changed in those 20 years as to what is acceptable in the workplace. Back then (at least in a factory--where I worked) you would have just had to shut up and put up.

I don't know if the kind of industry you work in has any bearing on the question these days or if your company has any ground rules for this type of behavior. If there are rules in place that are being overlooked maybe you could go to the boss and say something to the effect of, "Hey, there's been a lot of jokes being made in good fun about gays so I didn't bring this to your attention before. But now we have someone being downright malicious about it, and I thought it might need to be brought to your attention so these rules could be enforced for everybody." Just be sure s/he is aware that you just didn't say anything before because you didn't feel anyone was making the jokes out of malice before.

My thought would be that if the employer asks you to single someone out that you decline and explain that you're not trying to get anyone in trouble but thought it had come to the point where the rule really ought to be enforced across the board and just wanted to bring what was going on to his/her attention.

That's the best I can come up with. Like I said, though, I haven't worked in 20 years. When I was last working the whole attitude about sexual harassment in the workplace was not such a big deal as it is now either. Back then the thing with Clarence Thomas being accused of putting a..erm...hair...on a woman/co-worker's (or maybe subordinate's) soda pop can was making the news and was the subject of break room jokes. So I have to admit I'm really out of the loop to be making any suggestions here.

[VakuurBairn]

 I find that this is a very touchy sort of matter indeed. As Thunderwolf said, it could very well be dependent on the work place. Worst case scenario; you tell your boss and HE turns out to be homophobic and fires you (highly unlikely really) Best case scenario; take it to the boss and the coworker is completely cooperative.

 However, from what you say you have several friends within your company that know, respect and even jostle you a smidgen about your life choices. It sounds like you are quite reasonable about this sort of attitude and play as well, having a special understanding with them. I believe you should speak to this gentleman first, explain yourself and how it makes you feel. Even go so far as to mention that the others know about you and understand how far is "too far" as far as the humor goes. You may even want to explain your intentions and feelings to these same friends so that, in the event that the offender is completely disrespondant to your request, they can back up your actions should you need to involve upper management with the matter.

 Yet again, however, this is assuming that your "friends" are all chivalrous honor bound gentlemen willing to assist in such a thing. They could very well refuse on account they fear the loss of their employment over making a fuss of anything. And in such an economy, that fear may be more prevalent in weaker minds. Thankfully, though, such matters are more often then not handled with the utmost seriousness. I have no doubt that you will be able to resolve the situation without nary a bristled fur! Blessed Be and Brightest Fortunes to your endeavour!

[ThunderWolf]

It does occur to me that if you approach him directly it might be wiser to not be so direct in telling him that it's actually you who is bi. You might want to phrase it something (admitedly a bit misleading) like it being "someone you're very close to is bisexual". It's not completely dishonest as you couldn't be much closer to anyone than you are to yourself, even if it is a bit deceptive.

I would base that upon knowledge of your boss and how you think s/he would react to finding out you are bi. I'm thinking if other workers know you're bi then maybe your boss does too. But something also to consider re: your boss is this. Have you been permitted to continue working there because the boss is ok with you being bi? Or has it just been tolerated because there haven't been any issues come up as a result of it? You know better than any of us how out you can be at work. Don't forget to take that into consideration when deciding how to handle this.

[Selenemoon]

Hey hun, bullying of any sort is never acceptable in the work place, maybe if you dont know the man well perhaps he means to joke with you? you never know, as some have a fairly warped sense of humour he may not realise he is hurting your feelings and thinks he is being funny? perhaps your first route should be to level with his and say, "hey look, I can take a joke as well as the next person but this has gone to far and its starting to get to me" If he's joking around then he will apologise and cool it off, if not well he's a bully and deserves to be reported for it, sorry I cant be of any more help, but I genuinly feel for you I got bullied in school for a long time and didnt do anything about it, now as woman I am more confidant and wish I'd had the courage to speak up back then, dont let people push you around hun, bright blessings. poppy xxx

[malewitch42]

thanx ... to answer some ?s i work at home depot and although it is a warehouse it is a big enough company to have a zero tolerence policy for harrassment. also my boss is one of the most open minded people i know although he is married and has 3 kids and makes a lot of gay jokes i wouldnt be at all surprised if he went to a gay pride parade and when comments get to ingnorant he is very adamant at stopping them and telling the commentors that they are idiots i have no fear of being reprimanded for speaking out ... i am only worried about taylor (the guy harrassing me) becoming worse ... if its innocent i dont want to get him fired so i think i came up with an idea of what to do based on advice here and from some other friends ... first tell him it bothers me to be called bj and ask my friend that calls me the same thing not to because although my friend calling me it doesnt bother me if i allow one and not the other its kind of a double standard .... if that doesnt work tell him why it bothers me and that if it doesnt stop i will file a complaint and if it still doesnt work ill report him ... if it gets to that point i know my boss will support me what do u guys think of the plan ... i have a hard time stadning up for myself but i really dont see a choice

[ThunderWolf]

It sounds like a great plan! Knowing that you'll have your boss and the company behind you should give you some strength too.

When I was younger I hated to stand up for myself. It was very uncomfortable, and in many cases I feared would lead to an outright brawl (most often a drunken, redneck bar brawl). But it always ended up with me gaining the respect of the person I stood up to. (Or at least that was their claim. I think in many cases they were just trying to bully me and didn't want to fight any more than I did. LOL)

The thing is, though, all through school I would allow myself to be bullied because I was so afraid of what my parents would do if I did end up in a fight. So as a very young adult I refused to allow it and stood up to people no matter how difficult it was. You know what? I'm 44 now, and it get's easier. So just try to take this as an opportunity to grow and learn how to handle yourself in these situations. It may not be comfortable, but for more than one reason it seems it is very necessary.

[malewitch42]

it did not go well with him but the company had my back i told him nothing other than it bothered me and i would like him to stop. there is a lot of gossip at work so it is common knowledge that i went to rehab ... when i asked him to stop he said something that cannott be posted here but involve the reason for me going to rehab having to do with my mouth and a certain male apendage i decided to skip any other steps and report him to my boss ...  that ended up with our boss telling him that if he looked at me wrong he would be fired and the would assist me in pressing charges for harrassment ... i dont think it will happen again and even though he complained a lot about it i dont think he has found any sympathetic ears ... all in all i feel better

[Ann Cash]

You handled it absolutely right! There is no reason for you to announce your sexuality to anyone. They don't need to know why something is offensive. All they need to know is that it's offensive. You gave him fair warning to stop. It was his choice to handle that information in a negative manner. As a woman who spent my entire career in a male dominated profession, I can tell you that sexual harassment is completely unacceptable. There is no reason, or place for it in the work environment. That includes telling dirty jokes or making any sort of demeaning comments about someone else. People can joke around, and kid with each other without being offensive. Those who can't seem to figure that out, just lack the IQ too understand common decency. When that happens, it's up to the boss to step in and remind them. Home Depot is a big company. I'm sure they have a harassment policy that they have to enforce once a complaint is brought to their attention. If they don't handle it properly, then they can be held responsible. You did it the right way. If this guy continues to be a jerk, you need to let the boss know so it can be dealt with. Otherwise, he won't stop with "bj", and he won't stop with you. If he wants to keep his job, he'll learn to keep his yap shut.
BB  Ann

[ThunderWolf]

Way to go MaleWitch! I'm proud of you and glad it was resolved so well for you! I'm sorry he decided to be such a butthole about it, but that speaks volumes about the type of person he is. And if nobody there sympathizes with his way of thinking he'll either end up changing his ways or finding another job elsewhere (or getting fired).